A mothers aching heart

On the eve of another surgeons appointment for my precious Caleb.........

I wonder how much Sarahs heart hurt as she took her son to the temple? I wonder if Abraham wept as he led his son to the altar? I wonder how Mary survived the torture of watching her son beaten, bruised and crucified?

How do we as mothers lead our children through the pains of life? How do we walk in trusting surrender of our Fathers plan for them? How do we step back from the altar and leave them there? As a mother I want to know what lies ahead… I want to be ready and prepared and strong to face whatever the next step might be. I want to walk ahead and make sure the road is safe for my little ones and yet I cannot. I cannot even see the next step, let alone smooth the path. My mothers heart wants to hold on tightly and carry me children into whatever lies in their way. I want to prepare them so they are prepared and strong for the journey.

And yet I learn through this process that the very thing that we want to do as mothers, we must ultimately surrender firstly. We cannot walk the path that they are designed and created to walk. How Mary must have torn apart with the desire to run out and save her son! How she must have wept for the precious baby that she would soothe in the night as he cried, how she must have wept for the little boy running and jumping in the mud puddles, how she must of ached for the boy who would crawl up on her lap and wrap his arms around her neck. How she must have wept for her little one as He walked the path ordained and destined for Him. She could not, would not have know the bigger victory in that crushing moment of pain, she would not have held on to the Hope of the resurrection as she watched life drip out of her son. Yet she stood beside him, she kept her eyes upon Him and she lived out her place.

Mary did come to walk in the victory of that painful, crushing path. She was there when her little boy defeated the greatest enemy and saw Him glorified. She wept, she ached and she walked in the strength and victory of it.

I do not know what our victory will look like, but I know it will come. I do not know what pain will bring me to my knees, but I know I will not be alone. I do not know how I will ache for the end of the struggle, but I know it will end. I do not know how to reconcile my mothers heart with the desire to take it all away but I know my God, my Father does. I do not know much but I know my God, my Father and I know his heart.